New study on dating: “I’ve never felt as ugly as I do on Tinder”

Men perceive it as a woman’s market, while women believe men do not put in enough effort. Researchers at Örebro University have studied online dating, and their findings reveal deep contradictions – even though both sides are seeking love. ”I’ve met lonely people and, in some cases, a black hole of hopelessness,” says Lena Gunnarsson, docent and head of gender studies at Örebro University.

Read the article in Sociological Inquiry.

Björn admits he’s never felt as ugly as on Tinder – being rejected and ignored by one woman after another. Vanja mentions that she was told several times a day that she was fat and should go to hell.

The study indicates that men more frequently experience painful rejection and being ignored, while many women report receiving aggressive and offensive messages. ”Online violence and hatred impact women more than men, reflecting society as a whole. In digital spaces, compared to face-to-face interactions, people do not have the same boundaries when it comes to saying aggressive and degrading things,” says Lena Gunnarsson.

Sweden stands out

She has interviewed 15 men and 15 women in Sweden who have been involuntarily single for at least five years. They ranged in age from 26 to 67. The men yearn to love a woman, and the women long for love. Yet the polarisation is stark.

And here, Sweden stands out. Although the country has made progress on gender equality, many Swedish men are active in international incel online communities. Incel means ”involuntary celibacy”. “Several participants closely resembled incels in their thinking, even though they weren’t aware of what an incel was. Many men are familiar with the statistics and use them as proof that women hold all the power. They feel like victims and become entirely fixated on that.”

Men’s standards are too low

Men feel they must initiate contact, while women wait and select whom to respond to. Men have few – or no – options, whereas many women feel overwhelmed by the volume of interest. “Many men are quite indiscriminate about who they swipe right on. Some say yes to every other woman, believing it will improve their chances. That ends up shifting the effort onto women, who are left to decide if it truly is a good match. ”

The study reveals that men believe women’s standards are too high, while women think men’s are too low. “Women say they want men to raise the standard. They don’t want men to settle for just anyone. They want to be recognised as individuals.”

But the picture is not black and white. Many women like Vanja do not have a large pool of men to choose from.

Being overweight appears to be a dealbreaker for many men. They simply don’t want to meet an overweight woman,” says Lena Gunnarsson, and concludes, “This project has been hard to carry out. There’s a great deal of suffering among both men and women.”

Facts
Over the past 30 years, the number of singles worldwide has risen. In Sweden, there are over two million single-person households – meaning that approximately 36 per cent of the population lives alone.

During the same period, the dating scene has changed considerably. Today, meeting people online is much more common. Several participants mentioned they had attempted to approach individuals in real life, but it is often seen as odd. At the same time, statistics indicate that more people are leaving dating apps.

Some quotes from the study:

“It’s a woman’s market.”
Gustav, 40

“If you’re an average-looking woman, you could receive about 20 messages a day. A regular bloke gets hardly any, but he’s still the one who has to send the first message.”
Alexander, 36

“Men at my age just want someone to wash their trousers and cook for them.”
Birgitta, 59

“I still had over a thousand left in the filtered pile. I just couldn’t handle it. It was impossible.”
Magdalena, 54

“I don’t want him to think ‘Well, Petra, you’ll do. You’re the first one I’ve met, so I’ll go with you.’”
Petra, 35.

“The only condition he had remaining for a partner was that it had to be a woman.”
Ulrika, 53, quoting a male acquaintance

“I began to understand why women opt to simply delete messages.”
Mattias, 37, created a fake account as a woman and struggled to keep up with the replies. When he politely declined, he was met with insults in return.

“I notice that many girls are like that... they act like they’re princesses, even though they’re just ordinary girls really.”
Reza, 27